I Love Feeling Good
As soon as I learned what the words hedonist and misanthrope meant, I’ve never felt so captured by words like I felt then. I love feeling good — all of the time at all costs — and I seriously dislike people, and I take absolute pleasure in my dislike for people, because I, in the deepness of my heart know, I’m like everyone else and everyone else is like me. Yet, it’s easier to laugh at everyone else than laughing at myself. When it comes to me, I hardly find the humor — it just doesn’t feel good.
I watched an analysis of Hunter x Hunter on YouTube a long time ago, explaining that Gon just did things for his own benefit, and it just so happened that his interests aligned with the good will of others. I identify with that. And I hate that I do. I don’t hurt people intentionally, ever, but my unconscious and impulsive desire to feel good all of the time will often override my consideration of other people and their feelings. That’s such a disgusting and awful truth to admit and live with. But the only way I could grow as a person, the only way I could wake up and get both feet on the ground, is to admit the worst parts of myself. It’s obvious — I could never grow as a human being if I never truly, consciously, faced my darkest recesses. Sometimes it’s inevitable thinking I might be a sociopath, but a sociopath with heavy feelings and who deeply cares about how others feels, but only after I’ve fulfilled my gains and my need to feel good.
Am I a disgusting person or common like everyone else? There is a real fine line in acknowledging when you’re wrong and castigating yourself for eternity. I tend to do the latter. When I do bad things or hurt people out of an unconscious selfishness, it weighs around my neck forever — precisely like an albatross. However, punishing yourself forever is an obstacle for your personal growth. There is no one way to address this, this is something we can only learn on an individual basis being truthful with ourselves. When we do mental gymnastics to justify our feelings, opposing our natural consciousness of any given situation, we are lying to ourselves. I do that a lot. Sometimes it’s easier to lie to myself for short-run pleasures. If I can postpone long-run consequences, even better.
However, no matter the errors you make in life, you still have to live with yourself. Nobody is perfect and I think guilt is a perfect catalyst for growth, but will guilting ourselves for eternity actually help us grow as people? I have a deep desire to be the best person I can be. I hate that I’ve come to realize this through painful and sad experiences, but truthfully, it was the only way things could finally make sense to me. The same way I prefer to postpone consequences, I obviously tend to postpone the inevitable — things I know I need to do but I’m not ready to face yet. Eventually life pulls that rug under you anyway. It’s necessary whether we like it or not.
I love to feel good all of the time. It’s why I love smoking, it’s why I love drinking, and doing drugs, and jerking off, and having sex, and being complimented, being loved, being recognized, and getting endless amount of attention — and overall, I love to be seen. I love feeling awesome all the god damn time, so when it’s time to face the opposite, it feels like scratches against a chalkboard. If I love feeling good all of the time, I absolutely hate feeling bad or sad at any time — I just want to escape all of the time, because my feelings are heavier than what my mind recognizes as bullshit. Is it all just chemical workings that make me care more about things that at the bottom of my heart I couldn’t care less about? There are no answers to that.
Things are different now, though. I write this as a goodbye to these feelings, I don’t plan on visiting these feelings and thoughts anymore. There is nothing more to think about except to leave and keep moving forward. I can’t say I’m happy, but I’m not in some painful sadness either. It’s a type of melancholy that feels good. Some stings here and there, to remind me of the human in me, and the rest feels normal. Normal. I love it now and every day feels exciting and boring at the same time — it’s perfect.
I don’t know who I’ll be by the end of year, but I’m excited to meet him more than anything else in my life — and I have a lot of good things going for me. But nothing fulfills me as much as being me without thinking about it twice.